| because im pretty sure nobody reads this anymore.. |
[March 24th 2006|11.03pm] |
i feel like crying. it still hurts to think about you and the fact that i can't stay mad at you even if i want to (so badly).. i've given it my all, and when there was nothing left to give, i struggled to give you more.. it hurts to think you can easily forget it all..
the whole time we were together, you never could call me your princess.. i am torn between not wanting to hurt myself more by asking who that lucky girl is and finding out what makes her special enough for you to throw my everything away.
you've already won. i bet you're having the time of your life.
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| it's a sign |
[January 15th 2006|6.14pm] |
this is a terrible sign for me. i thought that by updating this measly dramatic blog i can prove to everyone how much i've changed. wrong. this must be the reason. i am definitely back at being the emotional love freak i used to be. are tearful goodbyes my legacy? in this case, nobody said goodbye. in a snap, everything changed.
don't i deserve a little more respect? doesn't he have the decency to at least tell me why? what did i do wrong? god, i wish i knew. was it a huge mistake to sit next to a friend? (not a close one for that matter). i waited.. and waited.. he used to tell me what we had was forever.. this must be the hundredth breakup. some were his fault, some were mine.. but all in all, we've surpassed it all. three years is a long time. in that amount of time i've had no regrets. i gave my all.. perhaps if i held back, i wouldn't feel this much pain.
he is the once in a lifetime i thought i could keep. he was my dream come true. in his arms i felt wider than the universe. i used to think nothing could break us apart. why did that have to end? i do deserve to know. i do deserve an explanation. i would have accepted anything. i would have been glad if i was to blame cause at least i knew something.
tomorrow will be another day. i'm feeling more alone for each day i spend not knowing why. i just wish i can turn things back.
it was short and sweet. i never had the chance to keep it from happening. it was inevitable. forever doesn't exist. i left it all in his hands and he threw it away. no more late nights, no more holding hands, no more happy endings, no more mushy messages, no nothing. and i'm left right here wishing everything wasn't real. i'm left wishing i'm as happy as he is without me..
i am still whole.. whole with a broken heart.
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| updating |
[January 11th 2006|5.33pm] |
just a recap.. 2005 has been such a blast for me. i have undergone several transitions the whole year round.
1. from being an outside person, i've gotten used to staying at home (and using the internet). having six blogs [myspace, friendster, xanga, blogger, livejournal & multiply] i've had the chance of updating just two. [xanga & blogger].. i was able to beautify my other homepages though..
clickie for my xanga
clickie for my blogger
2. i had a change in home address and school. like i've said, i passed the dlsu-cet last september and i transferred right away [from dlsu to miriam, back to dlsu]. i used to live with my sister along katips, now i live with my cousins and tita. great.
3. i had a change of perspective. if you've read my previous livejournal entries, you'll notice how pessimistic i used to be. one of the reasons why i changed from livejournal to xanga is to make myself forget the traumatic slash sad episodes in my life. now i can freely go back to this almost-forgotten lj account cause i'm no longer the sad/twisted larcey i was back then.
4. i had a change from being a lovesick fool to just plain lovesick. hahaa! most of my sad entries had a lot to do with the "bry" issue. you're wrong, we're still together. whoa! 3 years. but now i'm more mature. i don't just cry about things. i try to patch it all up. get my drift?
lastly,
5. i'm a better person. i made a lot of mistakes in the past and i've grown. i no longer hold any grudges. i no longer hold any bad feelings. annoying people will remain ignored for the rest of their pathetic and low lives. [just kidding, not trying to be mean.. i guess it sorta just came out that way]
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| it's been a while |
[June 9th 2005|5.11pm] |
i don't think anyone is still reading this but i still want to make an update..
me and my boo got back together.
i moved in with my aunt and uncle.
i think i'll be transferring (again) to another school..
i'm so far apart from my sister now.
i value my friends
etc etc etc..
just thought you should now.
for more info.. www.xanga.com/larceydoodle
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| hayyyy... |
[March 8th 2005|8.36pm] |
thanks so much madel and madette.. i owe you guys a lot...
i need to do something about my pathetic life.. there are too many things i need to worry about than just one person. ironically, that one person is all i can think of right now. a lot of people have been telling me that it is so easy to move on.. i could've easily done so.. apparently, i can't.. something keeps on holding me back..
all the happy memories, i think.. it's so sad.. i've basically given up trying to change his mind about what he thinks of me.. i did everything i could. i'm just really tired.. maybe i really am that kind of person.. i don't deserve him. he deserves someone who doesn't lead the kind of life i have. i will keep the promise i made. last na talaga yun. bahala na.
thinking about the same things is just too painful. on the other hand, he doesn't need to know all the things i'm going through right now. i don't need sympathy. i need him, just him. the one thing i can no longer have.
before i met him, my life was already a mess. he was the only person who tried to change me.. i did try to change for him.. maybe my best really wasn't good enough. for the first time in my life, i felt special. i felt that someone needed me despite being the wreck that i am. it may be short-lived, but it was the happiest two years of my life..
all the tears, all the laughter, all the nights and the days.. it's time to let go. it's time.
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| new drama.. |
[March 5th 2005|1.25am] |
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i guess i wont be finishing my second term in college. what can i say? my parents wont be supporting me anyway.. next week na yung finals but i've decided not to go to school.. im sorry if i disappointed some people.. especially my friends.. i dont know what to do anymore. i guess sorry is the only thing i have right now.. despite what you all believe, im not deliberately trying to ruin my life. this is just the way this goes.. too bad for me
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| ok.. |
[March 1st 2005|7.52pm] |
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im finally over him.
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| so little time |
[March 1st 2005|1.35am] |
i'm just counting the days.
my xanga tells people im doing pretty fine. i've been doing a lot of things lately. i want to wear myself out so that i'll be able to sleep all night long.
right now i still cant sleep. what is the problem with me. it's like i finally lost the drive to be who i have to be. still, there are small things that make me feel better despite all the shit i've been feeling these past few days.
one of them is receiving a message from one of the people who have hurt me in the past. you know who you are. thanks so much and im sorry too. what you did really took a lot of courage, i admire that. you're right. it's good that we're finally friends. that way we both would feel 10 times lighter knowing that we wouldn't have to keep being angry for so long.:)
another is being with my friends. wow! i may have lost one person but i've gained so much more.
it seems like i wouldn't be able to take my finals cause my parents didn't send the money to pay for my tuition. here we go again, the constant disappointment. hah! i promise to be numb to that kind of feeling.
"sorry sa lahat, sana mabago pa natin to"
"bahala ka na sa mga decisions mo, tc"
i'm starting to understand. it got me a little confused for a while. right now i wont let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. that's that.:)
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| why i haven't been updating this.. |
[February 27th 2005|11.45pm] |
well, my close friends know that this is my ever dramatic first blog. this is where i expose the sad side of myself. i haven't been updating this cause it brings back really sad memories. i just need a little time..
in the meantime im moving here..
wHaT tHe F*Ck jUsT hApPeNeD???
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| i dont know anymore.. |
[February 23rd 2005|6.19pm] |
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the suspense is killing me. i think im gonna rest now. this is just too much.
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| why im so confused right now.. |
[February 22nd 2005|11.39pm] |
i really dont know what to do and what to think. he sent me a message saying he was sorry and that he's hoping we could still work it out. i dont know what he means. the thing is, it's not like i can ignore him. it's not like i can pretend i dont care anymore. i do care.. so much that it hurts. i saw his friendster profile. it had the lyrics of "biglaan".
Nandito naukit pa rin sa puso ko,
Ng sabihin mo, wag na lang.
Nandito nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko,
Kung paano mong kinalimutan ang lahat.
Kay bilis na umalis, nakakamiss
Na bigla ng di ko man lamang na laman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla ng di ko man lamang naisip
Na'y dahan dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.
Hindi ba natin kayang magkunwari,
at sabihin sige na lang
Hindi ba natin kayang dayain,
Ang mga yakap sa tuwing lumalambing
Kay bilis na umalis, nakakamiss
Na bigla ng di ko man lamang na laman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla ng di ko man lamang naisip
Na'y dahan dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.
why?? i mean, isn't that supposed to be my song? he after all was the one who decided to leave right? i don't get it. im not angry. im just hurt. im sooooo confused right now. i want to get things straight. maybe that song was for someone else. i dont know anymore. if he can reply to my friend's messages, why won't he reply to mine? bullshit.
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| bry.. |
[February 20th 2005|8.05pm] |
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i know it's u. read everything. it's all here. the rest is up to you
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| crap. |
[February 20th 2005|1.32pm] |
i was looking outside the window of the hotel room. carol texted me out of the blue just to tell me this:
"s tingin ko nman mkkbuti n s knya un.para ndi na sha mhrapan nd mtiis dto. kelan kau ngusap? -i told bry na alis ka na"
why. i thought i was done crying. i was wrong. so wrong. nothing prepared me for that kind of pain. shit. i've never felt so unwanted my whole life. and i have the two of them to thank for that.
i wish 10 shots of tequila, a quarter bottle of vodka, and two glasses of mudslide could erase everything. i didn't forget. i was about to leave for good and that was all he could say about it. my friends couldn't stop me from crying. nobody could.
there were so many lights on the street. i could see every one of them. why cant i see him? come on, he's just a guy. i had a life before him. why cant i be over him right now? that time i was picturing him with someone else. ang hirap maparanoid. i dont want to think about it.
i've already stopped thinking about my future, my family and everything else. bakit ganun?
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| unsent part II (wishes) |
[February 18th 2005|1.52am] |
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why wont you talk to me? what did i do wrong? i wish i knew.. i know it's wrong but you're all that's in my mind right now. i have too many regrets, too many wishes, too many memories, too many bad dreams. i'm struggling to keep myself awake. everything seems surreal. please wake me up. tell me none of this is true. i wish things were back to how they were. i wish i didn't have to leave all these memories behind. i wish i didn't have to leave you behind. i'm still hurting. the worst part is, i cant see you. i can't tell if you're fine, or if someone else is with you right now. i wish you'd tell me. please give me my peace of mind. please give me my heart back, instead of hurting it so hard. to the world, i may seem like im doing just fine. you of all people should know better than that. i've never felt so helpless. i feel like im falling.. i dont know what to do. my eyes are finally dry now but my tears are still wet. i wish i'd stop thinking about you. i wish i'd stop wondering if you think of me. i wish you'd stop haunting me. my dreams of you seems more real than all this will ever be. i wish i never had to wake up and feel pain all over again. i'm about to leave soon. i cant leave thoughts of you behind. it's not like i can throw it all away. i can't. i wish you'd stop hoping that one day i'm just gonna give up on us. i cant. not unless you tell me to. maybe in that case you'll get to talk to me. i'll be happy just to hear your voice, even if you utter words of goodbye. at least i had my time with you. what am i writing? pathetic bullshit that you fortunately wont be able to read. the bottomline is i miss you. i lost the fight. and i lost you. i wish i could leave that behind.
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| so what now? |
[February 16th 2005|10.13pm] |
irwin. hehe! aww ok.. i saw paola sa shangrila last saturday eh. wala lng.. thanks.. bsta, aleli's party..:)
im so empty right now.. im becoming numb these days. i have no control over myself whatsoever. basta, i made the right choice. everyone is backing me up on this.
im gonna miss everyone..
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| i've made up my mind.. |
[February 15th 2005|3.42pm] |
i've decided that the easiest way to start a new life is to leave for good. i will definitely go to the states next month. im gonna make this permanent. i have no other reason to stay eh.. i wont be coming back to study. well, i will stop schooling for a while (to help my dad).. i'm gonna work instead. i will earn my own money. hehe! this is my decision. i will do this for myself, so that i can learn to be independent. it might be painful at first pero i know i can do this. i will make everything easier for everyone.
yahgirls.. i havent told anybody yet (except let).. since you're reading this i might as well just tell you through this.. im sorry i made you guys worry.. i just didnt realize how much you all cared for me. im leaving partly because i know i have to keep the promises i made to you guys. i promise to do something to help myself. this is exactly what im gonna do..
prettybarx.. elaine.. thanks for talking to me. u made me feel so much better. i can practically hear all the advices you've been telling me.. hehe! i changed my mind about suicide and valiums and shit. im fine.
bry.. i dont need to write what i want to say. you already know. i already texted you. you changed my life. im not angry anymore. i hope you're not too. um, i know you cant read this but i just feel like i want to set things straight. we've had so many happy memories to just throw everything away. i havent totally accepted the fact that we're not meant to be together. isa sa mga reasons kaya ako aalis. i didnt tell you cause i know you wont care. tama na cguro na wla nang mangungulit sau.. ano ba yan, ni hindi mo nga toh nababasa eh.. sa sbrang pagkachickboy mo, isa na ko sa mga naging dead na dead sau. haha! jologs. i know i wont be able to see you again. cguro the next tym i see you, msaya ka na.. i wish you all the best. you deserve it.
papa.. i used to be so angry at you for abandoning me and for letting me grow up without you. right now, i no longer see the point. i've gotten so used to your absence that i hardly even care anymore. if you cant support me, i hope i can still have a space in your new family. i dont blame you anymore. it doesnt matter..
ma.. i miss being your favorite. i never understood why you had to leave me too. i never understood why i cant see you again. cguro someday we'll all be together. things may not be the same pero for me it will still make a whole lot of difference. i'll always remember graduating without someone to proudly take my pictures and singing a solo without anyone proudly claiming to be my parents.. but im no longer bitter.. at least i learned how to deal with being alone. it helped me a lot, not being sheltered from the truth..
to all my relatives.. im sorry i never passed your expectations. i know my limitations. i do admit i'm weak.. pero i hope you wont judge me based on what you think you know about me. i'm not like my parents.. dont judge them too.. everyone makes mistakes. dont you?
ano ba yan. ngddrama na naman ako. e next month pa naman yung alis ko. hehe! kala mo mg-ggoodbye na eh.. hehe! bsta, im mentally preparing myself lng.. bear with me..
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| to all my friends |
[February 14th 2005|8.04pm] |
if you're reading this im really sorry..
meanne.. i really appreciate what you did. im just so tired you know? i feel so useless. i feel as if i'm nothing. im so sorry
im just so tired. i just cant pretend as if nothing happened. none of this is anybody's fault ok? i dont want to make anybody worry. i dont know if i can still hold on. i just dont know. my friends are all i have right now. dont ever pity me, i dont need that. dont you dare feel guilty.
im ok. im ok. for everybody's sake im ok.
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| sooooooooo stupid.... |
[February 13th 2005|6.29pm] |
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i texted him again, despite the vows i've made. shit. bakit ganun? bhala na. uunti-untiin ko nlang.. kaya ko toh.. hehe! big mistake.. wla nang paki ung tao. masaya na sha. wag mo nang guluhin. ok na ayt?
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| the first step. |
[February 13th 2005|6.05am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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insensitive |
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got home 3 hours ago.. i still cant sleep. im becoming more of an insomniac these days.. shit. im procrastinating again. i woke up at around 5pm i think. haha! i was supposed to practice for the dance-kinetics but i was too tired to do it. anyway, i had a lot of fun with my friends. hehe! i was with three of the prettybarx kanina(steph, carol, janelle). went with them to a school fair. anyway at least we all had a really good time. then i got treated to a movie sa shangrila(phantom of the opera) which was really good ("the phaaaaaantom of the opera is heeeeeere"). i even saw my former blockmate sa dlsu(c paola.Ü). after that i went to the metrowalk with carol and josh(janelle's ex, carol's bestfriend).. haha! met carol's good friend(or perhaps something more,:)) jaisen. we(josh,carol,i) got to ride on his shiny red bmw. galing ni carol. hehe!
anyway, i just realized that all of my highschool friends(including me) are single. valentines day is a day away. we dont need guys to make us happy. even if right now, my whole life is a mess. hehe! i dont attend class, i started drinking again, i dont eat at all, i'm considering smoking(sama ng loob, hehe!).. i might as well just kill myself while im at it.. just kidding. im massochistic not suicidal.;).. whatever.. 3 people asked me out and i respectfully declined. i may be dateless on vday, but im not desperate. i want only one person to spend that day with but since he's unavailable i might as well just spend it alone or with my really good friends. hmm, im sucha loser damn. haha!
carol told me that she saw him that afternoon. hehe! it made things definitely clear. anyway, as bad as i may be right now (totally rebellious), i just want to be happy. some people may not understand but this is who i am. basta, from now on im gonna keep myself busy. para mabawas bawasan yung tulala moments ko. hehehe! knina sa metrowalk i was really zoning out into outer space thinking about the same things. lol. basta basta basta. masaya na ko. i wish.:)
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| the effects of moving on.. |
[February 11th 2005|8.37pm] |
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i will never love anyone as much as i love him. i once vowed that i will not lose him again but i guess im gonna have to break that vow. it is better this way. we will be happier this way. he will be happier. for once in my life i really have to learn to stand up on my own. he told me i should be responsible. from now on i will be. there's a lot to fix. i have a lot to do to get my life back. i will let go. for good. i promise not to text him or try to see him or try to talk to him again. i will avoid checking to see if he's ok or if he's enjoying being single. i promise to disappear from his life. he will never hear from me again. i wish him all the happiness in the world. i wish myself contentment. i wish myself enough strength. i can do this. this will be the start of a new life. a life without him. december 17, 2002.. two years a month and 25 days. ang drama ko nanaman,. hehe! from now on hindi na. if he can easily forget about me, why cant i do the same diba? if his feelings can just disappear overnight, why can't mine dba? hayy.. bsta.. this will be the last time i'll ever write about him. goodbye.
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